An anonymous letter to my Facebook friends

The purpose of Jenni's link up today was to be as snarky as can be...in a funny way so please, don't get your panties in a wad about this post. It's only a blog post, people!
Dear friends of Facebook,
No one wants to hear about your relationship and how you breakup and get back together every five minutes, okay? Your private life should stay private, unless you are in a solid relationship. Oh, I forgot, you've been dating a week and you "love" each other and refer to one another as husband and wife. My bad, my bad. I seem to have been taught that true love was something different. I apologize. And for those of you who think people actually care about you and your rotating door of significant others...we don't. We just use your drama to make up for the drama we lack in our lives. It is quite entertaining if I do say so myself.
Posting a selfie and captioning it with anything but "picture of my self" makes no sense. "Work", "Happy", or "Doin' work" is not a sufficient caption for a picture of yourself, or a picture of your face. No work is happening in that picture other than touching a button, and your "Happy" face looks just like your "Pissed face" and your "It's the weekend" face. Am I guilty of posting a selfie? Yes. Do I post them everyday? No. I will go out on a limb and say that I have posted four, maybe five selfies, yet all of them had a focus of something other than me and my caption was not "Kissy face" or "xoxo, me". It was more like "burnt my forehead with a *&%$#*@ curling iron" or "look at this headband". Other than the hundreds of "selfies" I post for my blog (to which I consider a hobby/side job) I am not a proponent of selfies. All I'm saying is no one cares.
Hey everyone! Guess what!? No one wants to see the 2,356 things you pinned on  Pinterest or the 145 pictures you liked on Instagram! As a matter of fact, we don't care about what you're listening to on Pandora, or the fake ad you liked claiming to give your free tickets to something. We don't want to know what articles you read about politics. I try to block these from my newsfeed all. the. time. but I always manage to miss someone.
You know what else we don't care about? What you're doing allll dayyyy longgggg. I know, this may sound shocking, but some people can't sit on Facebook and Tweeter all day and let the world know that at this moment they are eating a donut and two seconds later you are washing it down with a refreshing sip of Coke. I barley have time to eat a donut, so I have no idea how these people work and post on Facebook all day long.
As for friend requests. No, I'm not going to accept you after I purposefully deleted you. I am also not going to accept your request if I don't know you! Or talk to you! Or think I will ever see you again in my life!
Parents. Geezzz. Where to even begin. Act your age. Stay out of your child's gossip. Definitely don't post selfies! And please, please don't air your baby momma drama, or tell us how your baby daddy be caddy. There is nothing worse than talking about your divorce, or unpaid child support, or your crazy ex-husband. And limit the comment on your child's drunken pictures. The fact that your see your underage child hammered at a party and you 'like' it speaks volumes about your ability to actually parent. 
And lastly, friends, please go through your friend list and if you don't recognize me, or my name, within two seconds, please hit delete. That will save me a lot of time that I don't have. 
Your Facebook friend,  Sarah Tucker  Linking up with Jenni!