You could say I was one of those girls who dreamed about her wedding day and what her family would look like. I didn't ever have a set time on when I wanted to be married, have kids, etc., and, honestly, it happened way sooner than I ever would have thought (married at a fresh 22 years old!). Here I am now at 26 with four years of marriage under my belt and an adorable 12 weeks old baby boy and I have so many emotions about everything.
I thought about this post yesterday as I was driving to one of my best friend's baby shower. As I was blaring my music and singing super loudly I thought, "I haven't done this since before Graham was born..." and, to be honest, I instantly felt this sense of joy rush across me. I felt like I had my old self back.
You see, I've always wanted to be a mom, but until you are one, you can't explain to someone all the feelings that come along with it.
Here are five of my thoughts on being a mom:
1. Will I ever sleep again? - My parents were in town for the last few days and my mom would take G in the mornings so I could sleep a little longer, but I kept catching myself waking up thinking that I heard him crying on the monitor. Ugh! Then one night I got very little sleep because I just couldn't sleep and so my mom told me to go nap. Well, I'd already had too much coffee and couldn't even nap! Being a mom is the most tired I've ever felt, but the moment Graham gets up and smiles at me, all those thoughts of sleepiness go away. Just kidding! I'm still very tired, but his cute face does ease the pain of running on fumes :)
2. When will I know that I feel like myself again? - As I mentioned above, it wasn't until I was driving down the road, blaring music, that I finally realized I feel like myself again. I'm able to wear most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm able to shower without being rushed, G is sleeping longer stretches, and I'm confident about going out and about. Graham is such a happy baby and literally never cries (prayers for the personality of our second child can start now, hah!), so I love taking him out and showing him off. I'm also going to Napa at the end of July and, although I'm already feeling anxious about it, I'm really excited to get a few days with my girls!
3. Mama anxiety is so real...and there is nothing you can do about it. - Naturally, I'm a control freak. I want things done my way and most of the time would rather just do things myself so I know they're done how I want them. So, you can only imagine my micromanaging when it comes to things pertaining to Graham. Yikes. But, I've really done great with letting go of things and not trying to control everyone and everything that goes on with G. Even Chris has complimented me on how I've been great at just sitting back and not being a hoover mom, hahha! Now, are we ready for him to stay away from us for a night? Nope. Neither Chris or I feel comfortable with that and it makes me anxious thinking about it. The only reason I have some relief about going to Napa is that that Chris will be here with G. I can't imagine him not having Chris or I for four days. I know, I could be a little nuts, but the more people pressure me to "let him stay the night with us!" or "let us take him for the day!" it makes me want to hold onto him longer and not let that happen. I know my anxiety will ease as times goes on, but I've learned I can't force it because then I just become more anxious!
4. The fine line... - Being a mom is all consuming. Especially when your babies are this young and they literally need you to survive. But, there is a fine line between loving on your new baby and paying attention to the person who helped you make this baby. Chris has truly been amazing and watching him be a dad is just the. absolute. best. But, there's always a but, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a few days/weeks when I felt like all we were doing was picking at each other. I was hormonal and he felt like he was the third wheel and all the emotions were stirring and some days it was rough. They warn you this will happen, then it does and it sucks, then everything falls back into place, and you go on dates and things get back to normal. There is just such a fine line between needing that person there to help and them driving you absolutely bonkers all at the same time!
5. There is no greater joy! - Literally, just staring at him and his features and his hands and his toes and the dimples in his elbows...everything makes my heart burst!! Chris always asks me how much I love him and I can't even put it into words. It is a love I've never known before and it is the best feeling.
What were your thoughts on being a mom? I'd love to hear!!