Thursday, February 2, 2017
I Quit Breastfeeding, And I Don't Even Feel Bad
This whole mom thing can really do things to you, mentally and physically, that I never thought were possible. Crying at the thought of how happy your child makes you, crying while looking at your child's chubby hands and praying they never change, getting scared with every bite they take because choking is your biggest fear, etc. Motherhood is the best, most life changing thing and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
You know what else is life changing: breastfeeding. I wrote alllll my thoughts about it here, but I now have an update for you; I quit, and I don't even feel bad. I should really say I quit pumping because I haven't actually breastfed Graham for about 5 months now. So, I quit pumping and I don't even feel bad.
You see, this is how my days were going:
5:15am - wake up
5:20 - 5:50am - get ready for work
5:50 - 6:15am - pump
Pray Graham doesn't wake if Chris has left for the gym.
6:15 - 6:25am - put away pumped milk, clean parts, pack pumping bag for school.
6:25-6:35am - make breakfast, pack G's bags, pack lunch
6:40am - wake G up, if he isn't already awake
6:40 - 6:55am - get G ready, load the car, head to school
7:20am - drop G off
7:35am (late for school) arrive at school
7:35am - 9:30am - teach
9:30am - leave class to go pump
9:50am - rush back to class
9:50 - 11:15am - teach
11:15 - 11:45am - lunch duty
11:45 - 12:15pm - my lunch break...where I would revert back to a small office to pump while eating my cold lunch because I don't have time to warm it up
12:15 - 1:00pm - my time to plan with my team, meet with parents, meetings for kids, etc.
1:00 - 3:00pm - teach then sends kids on their merry way
3:00pm - pump
3:30pm - rush to make sure I didn't miss anything from an after school meeting then pack up for the day. I usually have a TON to do, but since having G, I know it can all wait.
3:40 - 4:00pm - pick up G
4:00 - 4:30pm - drive home
4:30 - 5:30pm - play with G and run any errands we have
5:30pm - G eats dinner
6:00pm - daddy gets home!
6:30 - 6:50pm - G gets a bath
7:00pm - G's bedtime
Chris gives G a bottle while I, you guessed it, pump!
7:30pm - the FIRST time all day I've got to sit and relax, but nope! Time to make dinner, find dinner, microwave dinner, pack G's bags, and start on my sign orders.
7:30 - 10:00pm - eat while standing, work on signs, do laundry, shower, wash bottles, pack G's bags for the next day, work on lessons for class, etc.
10:00pm - shower
10:15pm - pump for the last time
10:30pm - bedtime
Every single day I felt exhausted. Because of the exhaustion, my job as a wife and mom were taking a hit, and I blame it all on having to be a human cow.
Around Christmas I decided that I wanted to try and stop pumping. At that time I had several hundred bags of stored milk, but more than that, I wanted to be able to wear a dress and not have to worry about how to pump in it. I wanted to be able to go somewhere and not have to worry about packing my pump. I wanted to go somewhere and not have to plan my whole trip around my boobs.
So, I decided I'd slowly start decreasing my pumping sessions.
Three weeks after starting the process, I was officially done pumping/milking/being a human cow!! AND, I don't feel one bit of sadness or guilt! You know why? Because my child is happy, healthy and will continue to be happy and healthy no matter what he is drinking: formula or breastmilk. You know what's even better? I AM THE HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN IN MONTHS! Literally, the day after I quit I felt less emotional and angry at the fact that I was having to sacrifice my time, my body, for my child. Why doesn't Chris have to go in a tiny room a trillion times a day and hook up to a machine that pulls on his utters? Why doesn't he have to wake up in the middle of the night to sacrifice for our child? The hormones are no joke, people. Chris is an angel because it was almost daily that I'd be mad at him simply because he didn't have boobs.
I know, I know. Some of you think I'm selfish because I shouldn't be thinking about me because once you have a child is isn't about you anymore. But, you know what? I am thinking about me because without me, this family doesn't function.
I can now confidently say that I am a month into not pumping and I am happier, less tired, less stressed, and a better wife and mom because of it. We have almost used up all my frozen milk and so G will have to start formula soon and I seriously have zero guilt. I was one of the fortunate ones where I had good milk and breastfeeding wasn't that hard for us, but mentally, it was the worst thing ever. I'd have another baby tomorrow if boobs weren't involved :)
So, if you are on the fence about this subject, or just need some encouragement, please let me know! I encourage you to do what is best for YOU because, like I said, without a fully functioning mommy, nothing gets done!
PS: You can read about traveling while pumping here. (I actually pumped across the Golden Gate Bridge...)