Life's Tragic Events

I can't even begin to write this post. I've started and stopped 30 times now. I'm not sure how to put into words the emotions you feel when you find out your little brother and his BRAND new wife got it a terrible car accident.

You see, my family has always flown pretty far under the radar. Neither my brother or I ever experienced severe illness or broken bones, my parents are still married after almost 30 years, growing up was relatively normal, and now into my adult life, nothing major has happened.

Until October when, as most of you know, my dad was brutally attacked in which the case that has yet to be resolved. It was an incident that rocked our whole family. And when I say rocked, I mean rocked. 

It was one of those things that you hear about happening to other families and you think, "Why them? Why did God choose them to go through that rift?" Every since my dad's accident I am continually reminded of how strong he was during that incident. How blessed we are that he is still alive. And how God chose him to be the victim so that he could live on and continue to make a difference in the world.

Even though my dad's case hasn't been resolved (don't even get me started on the Memphis PD), we've been living a pretty uneventful life. Other than G getting RSV, and one of us being sick every week since Christmas, life has been fairly uneventful.

Until this weekend.

Saturday afternoon my brother and his new wife were in a terrible car accident. My brother hydroplaned as he was accelerating from a yield and his truck spun around into oncoming traffic. They were hit head on and my sister in law took the brunt of the blow when their truck flipped over. My brother was able to walk away, but my sister in law had to be cut out of the car with the jaws of life. You can imagine the pain my brother was suffering watching his new wife (love of his life since 8th grade) trapped in their truck. She was transported to the hospital and once there, my brother started vomiting and had pain in his ribs, hand, and foot, so he was admitted as well. As the evening progressed, my brother was scanned and cleared of any broken bones. He was released Saturday evening and my sister in law was released early Sunday morning. She will have to meet with an orthopedic surgeon about her shoulder, and her ankle is badly sprained, but after seeing their truck, we can't help but know that God was watching over them.

All of this to say: I've always thought, "Wow, why did God choose that family/person to _______?" Whether it be cancer, lose a loved one, not be able to have kids, be unemployed, homeless, etc. it is SO easy to ask God, "WHY ME? WHY US?" I was asking him that after my dad's accident. And now, four months later, I'm asking him, "Why them? Two young, near perfect individuals. Why?" And all I keep hearing back is, "Just have faith and trust me."

It is so, so hard sometimes to think that you are being punished or ganged up on by God, but that's not the case. My sweet friend Amie and I were texting briefly and she reminded me that God only puts his strongest soldiers through the toughest battles. Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough.

As I'm sobbing on the phone with my mom as she is tell me about my little brother apologizing to his wife for getting in a wreck, all the while his wife is incoherent, I can't help but think that I'm not strong enough. Then my mom reminds me that we are strong. We are strong and it will all be okay. And, crying is okay.

So, no matter what you're going through, YOU are strong and YOU will get through it and it WILL be okay. It may not be okay on our time, but keeping the faith is the only way to persevere.

Lastly, if you would, please pray for my brother and his wife. Also, my dad (ironically) is having surgery Thursday and if you'd pray for him, too, that'd be great. Oh, and pray for my mom as she is staying strong for everyone. She is a rockstar.

Hope your Monday is awesome and bright!

I Quit Breastfeeding, And I Don't Even Feel Bad

This whole mom thing can really do things to you, mentally and physically, that I never thought were possible. Crying at the thought of how happy your child makes you, crying while looking at your child's chubby hands and praying they never change, getting scared with every bite they take because choking is your biggest fear, etc. Motherhood is the best, most life changing thing and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

You know what else is life changing: breastfeeding. I wrote alllll my thoughts about it here, but I now have an update for you; I quit, and I don't even feel bad. I should really say I quit pumping because I haven't actually breastfed Graham for about 5 months now. So, I quit pumping and I don't even feel bad.

You see, this is how my days were going:

5:15am - wake up

5:20 - 5:50am - get ready for work

5:50 - 6:15am - pump

Pray Graham doesn't wake if Chris has left for the gym.

6:15 - 6:25am - put away pumped milk, clean parts, pack pumping bag for school.

6:25-6:35am - make breakfast, pack G's bags, pack lunch

6:40am - wake G up, if he isn't already awake

6:40 - 6:55am - get G ready, load the car, head to school

7:20am - drop G off

7:35am (late for school) arrive at school

7:35am - 9:30am - teach

9:30am - leave class to go pump

9:50am - rush back to class

9:50 - 11:15am - teach

11:15 - 11:45am - lunch duty

11:45 - 12:15pm - my lunch break...where I would revert back to a small office to pump while eating my cold lunch because I don't have time to warm it up

12:15 - 1:00pm - my time to plan with my team, meet with parents, meetings for kids, etc.

1:00 - 3:00pm - teach then sends kids on their merry way

3:00pm - pump

3:30pm - rush to make sure I didn't miss anything from an after school meeting then pack up for the day. I usually have a TON to do, but since having G, I know it can all wait.

3:40 - 4:00pm - pick up G

4:00 - 4:30pm - drive home

4:30 - 5:30pm - play with G and run any errands we have

5:30pm - G eats dinner

6:00pm - daddy gets home!

6:30 - 6:50pm - G gets a bath

7:00pm - G's bedtime

Chris gives G a bottle while I, you guessed it, pump!

7:30pm - the FIRST time all day I've got to sit and relax, but nope! Time to make dinner, find dinner, microwave dinner, pack G's bags, and start on my sign orders.

7:30 - 10:00pm - eat while standing, work on signs, do laundry, shower, wash bottles, pack G's bags for the next day, work on lessons for class, etc.

10:00pm - shower

10:15pm - pump for the last time

10:30pm - bedtime

Every single day I felt exhausted. Because of the exhaustion, my job as a wife and mom were taking a hit, and I blame it all on having to be a human cow.

Around Christmas I decided that I wanted to try and stop pumping. At that time I had several hundred bags of stored milk, but more than that, I wanted to be able to wear a dress and not have to worry about how to pump in it. I wanted to be able to go somewhere and not have to worry about packing my pump. I wanted to go somewhere and not have to plan my whole trip around my boobs.

So, I decided I'd slowly start decreasing my pumping sessions.

Three weeks after starting the process, I was officially done pumping/milking/being a human cow!! AND, I don't feel one bit of sadness or guilt! You know why? Because my child is happy, healthy and will continue to be happy and healthy no matter what he is drinking: formula or breastmilk. You know what's even better? I AM THE HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN IN MONTHS! Literally, the day after I quit I felt less emotional and angry at the fact that I was having to sacrifice my time, my body, for my child. Why doesn't Chris have to go in a tiny room a trillion times a day and hook up to a machine that pulls on his utters? Why doesn't he have to wake up in the middle of the night to sacrifice for our child? The hormones are no joke, people. Chris is an angel because it was almost daily that I'd be mad at him simply because he didn't have boobs.

I know, I know. Some of you think I'm selfish because I shouldn't be thinking about me because once you have a child is isn't about you anymore. But, you know what? I am thinking about me because without me, this family doesn't function.

I can now confidently say that I am a month into not pumping and I am happier, less tired, less stressed, and a better wife and mom because of it. We have almost used up all my frozen milk and so G will have to start formula soon and I seriously have zero guilt. I was one of the fortunate ones where I had good milk and breastfeeding wasn't that hard for us, but mentally, it was the worst thing ever. I'd have another baby tomorrow if boobs weren't involved :)

So, if you are on the fence about this subject, or just need some encouragement, please let me know! I encourage you to do what is best for YOU because, like I said, without a fully functioning mommy, nothing gets done!

PS: You can read about traveling while pumping here. (I actually pumped across the Golden Gate Bridge...)

WIWW: Little Boy Favorites + Link Up

First off, Gap is having a 50% off EVERYTHING online sale. AND, Old Navy is having a 40% off all kids and baby items! Go, go, go!

I buy 99% of Graham's clothes from Gap and Old Navy, so I will be finally purchasing all my items that have been in my cart for long enough. Chris, if you're reading, I am not buying anything :)

Since I'm over here looking like a rag-doll, today will be all about G. Not only because he is a stylishly adorable kid, but today he turns 10 months old and there isn't enough makeup in the world to cover my crying eyes! (All outfits are completely from Old Navy or Gap except the second picture.)

An InLinkz Link-up